


Scars can heal

by xannyj



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Beomgyu stay strong, Choi Soobin-Centric, Choi Yeonjun Is Bad At Feelings, Everything gets better, Fluff, Friends to Strangers to Friends to Lovers, He improves a lot tho, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mild Language, Mutual Pining, Soobin becomes an activist, Soobin is hurt and scared, They reunite and become happy again, Tyunning bestest boys, i'm SO sorry but Soobin kinda moves like an earth sign
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-14 21:01:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28801752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xannyj/pseuds/xannyj
Summary: Most things in life don't work out the way you would want them to... but sometimes you have to overcome it, so that the goal can remain the same.or in which txt find themselves in a scandal that breaks them apart and years later, they find a way reunite
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun
Comments: 13
Kudos: 72





	Scars can heal

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this in like less than 2 weeks so it might be slightly messy, but well this is purely self indulgent so have fun if you read it!  
> also i was heavily inspired by 1d's spaces and taylor swift to write this so there might be some obvious references.

**“TXT’S MEMBER SOOBIN FOUND TO BE GAY????**

**Our sources found him being more intimate than appropriate with another man. Fortunately, we were able to interview the man that accompanied Choi Soobin for the past few weeks, what we found was rather astonishing but not surprising… Soobin did always give off a weird vibe.**

**The man decided to make a statement anonymously and sent us text conversations and photos of each other. Confirming that Soobin is in fact, GAY! Click here to read more…”**

Soobin couldn’t breathe to say the least, his grip on his phone was impossibly tight. _This can’t be real; this can not be real._ He chanted repeatedly on his head. He jumped due to a noise that erupted throughout the entire room, he belatedly realized that it was his phone… _I’m so stupid. This is so fucking stupid._ He was shaking uncontrollably. _How can someone be that unhappy?_ He fell. His legs couldn’t hold him up anymore, he griped his hair aiming to pull it out. _What would happen if I just ripped my entire scalp? Would anyone care?_ He just laughed, realizing just how nonsensical his thoughts were being. _How fucked up._

_“Soobin, I’m coming to the dorms to pick you up, the company’s executives want to talk to you.”_

He read on his phone and laughed again. Of fucking course they do. He rolled his eyes and wiped his face angrily. His entire being was filled with rage, sadness, confusion, anxiousness but mostly rage. At his now, ex-boyfriend, at himself, at the media, at South Korea. He just fucking hated everything, everyone.

_“I’m here, come down.”_

Soobin sighed, grabbing his wallet and dorm-keys and went down to meet with his manager. The moment he opened the car he felt the judgmental stares of the driver. _Fucker._ He thought.

“Hello, Mr. Na”

“Hey Soobin” –He rose his arm and dropped it, in what was supposed to be a comforting action, on Soobin’s back. “Everything will be fine.”

Soobin just couldn’t take it. _They really think I’m stupid or something._ He shook off Na’s arms – “I’m okay, Mr. Na, it won’t be fine but thank you for trying.”

He just couldn’t stop thinking about his members reactions, were they disgusted? Did they expect it? For Soobin to be a disgusting homosexual? _Probably not and if they did, the confirmation has just made you a hundred times more disgusting… you’re so disgusting Choi Soobin. Now the entire world knows just how disgusting you are._ He laughed so loud that Mr. Na turned to look at him.

“Are you sure you’re okay, Mr. Choi?”

Soobin smiled, deranged, out of himself “Just why wouldn’t I be?”

He barely noticed the way his body automatically got off the car the moment they arrived at Big Hit, could barely even register hopping on the elevator and arriving at the main office where Bang Sihyuk was expecting him. Ready to tell him step by step what he was going to do and how his future was going to play out. Soobin just sat there, expectant, and seemingly attentive.

Just everything he detested.

Soobin could see how Mr. Bang was moving his mouth explaining to him the detailed plan he was about to undergo, but to be completely honest, he wasn’t actually listening to anything the man was saying. He was just continuously replaying in his mind how he got himself into this mess. How he got himself into a world that’s already difficult, into a world that he hates because he can’t ever actually be free. In a country where it’s already bad to be gay but to be gay and being and idol? That was just madness. Sickness. Disgusting.

He giggled internally.

So, this is how it began for him.

Soobin was actually never sure of anything. Especially life. He hated uncertainty but he also hated making decisions… how was he sure that it was his decision to make and not someone else’s? He couldn’t.

Despite everything, he enjoyed pondering on life. Maybe it was just his overthinking tendencies, although nobody would ever genuinely believe Soobin was an A+ overthinker. People were used to making assumptions of everyone based on what they saw at the naked eye, not taking into consideration what they actually knew about a certain person. Wasn’t that ironic? At least, Soobin thought so.

At age 14 he had a scary realization… maybe people weren’t supposed to die old, thinking otherwise was just part of the egoistic parts of humans within themselves. And to be honest, Soobin was human too, so therefore he had this individualistic need to survive, doing things at his own accord.

It wasn’t a surprise when he impulsively sent an audition to Big Hit Entertainment… maybe this was his passion, maybe this is the place where Soobin would find his will to survive, to live and maybe become more amicable with people that surrounded him. Though, he never expected to be accepted in the company.

Therefore, the moment he received an email telling him he was accepted and had to start his training period as soon as possible he just couldn’t believe it. He almost called it quits. And maybe he would’ve if it hadn’t been for his mom who was so excited, she just couldn’t keep it in, telling everyone who would hear that her son was going to be an idol.

 _Pathetic._ Soobin loved his mother, but he also couldn’t keep the thought in. It was indeed pathetic to brag about an achievement that hasn’t even happened and that wasn’t even yours to begin with. But that’s how the world works, Soobin had begun to understand tardily.

Despite that, Soobin gave his 100% into training because he loves his mother and for himself. He was never a fan of half-assing things. Especially on an environment that was so sickeningly competitive.

He met Hueningkai and later on Beomgyu there. Taehyun and Yeonjun too but they, at the very beginning were in their own world, having known each other the longest and feeding onto each other’s competitiveness. Soobin believed that was nice, since they seemed to still remain friends even while competing.

It didn’t take long, though, for Soobin to get acquainted with Taehyun and Yeonjun, and they suddenly became a group.

Soobin was 15 when he realized just how beautiful and shiny Yeonjun’s eyes were, it made his heart stop. He pushed those thoughts to the back of his mind. He had to ignore them no matter how hard Yeonjun’s starry eyes called for him. He couldn’t believe the older had an entire galaxy living in his eyes. _Is that possible?_

But he managed to ignore those feelings like champion. They were useless in the end; he couldn’t jinx anything like that. Not when Yeonjun was the Golden trainee, while had just been chosen as the leader of their group that was soon to be debuted.

Soobin had always known that he had a certain fixation on boys so when it crossed his mind that he might be gay, he just accepted the feeling. Let it enter his thought process, his life actions, how he moved, what he did, what he looked up on the internet and slightly how he interacted with others. How could he deny that he had been cursed by God? Wasn’t that much worse?

Life was never fair. He just had to keep it in forever, he was about to debut under Big Hit… BTS’ company. People had a lot of expectations put on them. But he really didn’t care about them, he’d feel more betrayed if he realized that he wasn’t as good as he thought. That someone else should have debuted on his place. Soobin was going to make his place count and make sure the others were on a right place too.

But now here he was.

Sitting in front of Mr. Bang. Ruining TXT’s short, but entire career. Just because he craved the feeling of being loved and held romantically. _Those things always sucked._ He thought. It’s funny how the world just had its way to fuck you over.

“Understood, Mr. Choi?” He nodded even though he didn’t hear a single thing. “We’re going to put a statement, act as if nothing happened and we’ll pay the media so they uncover a bigger scandal so people can forget about this one.”

He nodded again, now appreciatively that he had summed up the plan, so he could actually know how things were going to follow through.

But was Soobin that capable of lying? Of withholding the lie that had already come out. It’s easier to keep a lie that it’s not known to anyone but himself, because then it’s not a lie, he’s just not telling the full truth. But now everyone knows. Does he want everyone to know?

Nevertheless. He didn’t dare to mutter a word.

* * *

Fear has always been a natural feeling for humans, it’s necessary for survival for the most part, it activates our sensors to danger and acutes our hearing, sight, and movements. But fear mixed up with dread, just makes up anxiousness.

Soobin had stopped fighting over his continuous sadness and anxiety a few years back, so he just sat at the back of the car, letting it wash over him. To be honest, he wasn’t even in a mood to try and stop it from spreading. He was always a coward in the end, no matter how hard he tried to fight and hide it from others.

The truth always found a way out. He had just confirmed it in the worst way he could have ever possibly imagined. He honestly didn’t quite care about himself, but he did love and cared about Beomgyu, Hueningkai, Taehyun and Yeonjun…. Gosh… what was Yeonjun thinking right now? _He probably hates you now. They all probably despise you._

Inclining his head towards the window, he stared at the world, moving fast and past his eyes in seconds, lights and buildings blending up with the background, losing its original form. Soobin kind of wishes he could possibly be part of that now. Just a light in the dark night that was being stared at from a car window, but he wasn’t lasting. Streetlights just exist on your line of vision for a few seconds.

Existing for each person for just a few seconds. Wishful thinking.

Not more than 5 more minutes passed by until he saw their dorm building come into view. He needed to be brave. At least this once. Fake it till you make it, his mother always reminded him.

“Thanks, Mr. Na, for dropping me off” He lightly bowed and opened the door.

Mr. Na smiled “It’s nothing, Soobin. Good luck and see you soon” And just like that he went away.

 _Inhale and exhale Soobin._ He reminded himself. So bravely he walked up to the building and in the blink of an eye he was already opening the door to his exact dorm.

“I’m home” He whispered. Scared.

Three heads popped up immediately. Hueningkai, Taehyun and Beomgyu, No Yeonjun. Soobin pretended not to be disappointed.

“Hello, hyung” Hueningkai walked up to him and started rubbing his belly, the youngest always thought it brought comfort to everyone, and while at first it was kind of funny, in the end it did actually help them feel accompanied and not alone.

They sat on the couch and everyone held their breath. Soobin inhaled. _Be brave, remember._ “Where’s Yeonjun hyung?” He asked.

Beomgyu grimaced. “He wants to be left alone at the moment, I’m sorry” Soobin nodded, he kind of figured but he wished he had been wrong. Yeonjun was the oldest of the group, and even though Soobin was their leader, Yeonjun had always tried to be there for him when he needed a shoulder to lean on. Soobin tried not to look too much into it.

“You don’t need to be sorry, Beomgyu.”

Silence reigned for a few minutes. Soobin took his time to take the room in. It was already dark outside, so they had 3 lightbulbs on, one at the ceiling and two bedside lamps that were placed on each side of the couch. Soobin wasn’t sure what they were doing there, they had been intended to be used on an actual bedroom at the side of a bed. The carpet was a glimpse of blue, kind of baby blue that contrasted with the completely dark table that was in the middle. The kitchen just a few meters away. This had been their home for the past three years. It had never felt exactly like home. Especially not now.

He’s not even sure if his house back in Ansan would feel like home. He doesn’t think so. His parents didn’t know that he was gay until now, and even then, Soobin had always managed to feel like an outsider in place that was supposed to bring him comfort and help him grow.

Soobin was always pathetic. He realized it now. Imagine never feeling at home no matter how bright you turn your lantern on, asking it to guide you through the continuous darkness of loneliness.

Sadness and panic now brought a certain kind of comfort. At least he knew this feeling.

Taehyun coughed, making everyone look at him. “Look, I don’t know how to bring this up without making it awkward” He spoke, calmly, making sure Soobin knew he wasn’t attacking him. _You’re safe._ He tried to convey through his eyes. “I would’ve liked Yeonjun joining us, but since he can’t get his head out of his ass I’m just going to come and say it.” Soobin unconsciously held his breath. “Is it true?” He met his eyes.

Soobin squirmed, uncomfortable. “Is what part of the entire article true?” He evaded the question. Everything on that article was true. No matter how hard he didn’t it want it to be, he couldn’t just make it untrue. He hated the world a little bit more for that.

Hueningkai raised his head from Soobin’s shoulder, “Everything, I guess” He made sure Soobin was staring back at his eyes. Full on eye contact. Soobin understood the message. _‘Don’t lie to us anymore’._

“Yes”

The three of them took a breath collectively “Everything?” Beomgyu asked again just to be sure.

“Everything” He confirmed. “I am gay… a homosexual. Exclusively attracted to boys. I only want to be romantically associated with boys… sexually too, I guess, I don’t like girls, I don’t think I was ever attracted to them… So yeah. Boys” Soobin rambled, now that he started, he wasn’t sure just how to stop. His point was understood on the first sentence. “I’m sorry… I’m rambling” His hands were trembling too; he was 1.87 but he barely felt 1 meter tall. _Pathetic. So, fucking pathetic._ He reminded himself once again.

A door was slammed. A laugh echoed through the entire living room. “So, you’re really a fag, Soobin-ah” Yeonjun’s voice ringed everywhere, his tone filled with spite, rage. Unbearable. Soobin winced at the use of the slur. “You’re going to hell; I can’t believe I’ve been living with a fag for more than three years” Yeonjun rolled his eyes and laughed ironically. “Did you check us out? Bet you did, didn’t you?” Yeonjun got close to Soobin, crossing his bubble, taunting him. “Bet you wanted to see us naked, maybe even jerked off to the thought of us…” At that second something seemed to dawn on Yeonjun, the oldest smirked. “Bet you imagined yourself sucking me off” He laughed more, filling his tone with even more hatred, with even more disgust.

“Yeonjun” Beomgyu stood up. “Stop.”

Yeonjun turned his face towards the youngest, “Beomgyu, don’t.” He finalized, “Let me have this, or does it not disgust you knowing how he probably thought of any of us in that way… we’re practically brothers” The oldest pretended to throw up. Mockingly.

Soobin felt tears picking his eyes. He immediately closed them; he couldn’t let Yeonjun see him like that. He felt cornered. Ashamed. Disgusting. Exposed. He did have some of those thoughts about him. About the oldest. At least once upon a time. _How stupid. How stupid. You’re so stupid and disgusting Choi Soobin._ He felt the need to suddenly dislocate his neck or maybe hit it against a door till he couldn’t recognize it anymore. Memories forever gone.

“Soobin wants dick, and he’s not ashamed. Maybe wants mine… do you, fag?” He got close enough to kick the back of Soobin’s knee, making him actually kneel in front of him. “You’re so disgusting, Soobin. Look at you, kneeled down in front of me….” He threw his head back. “Maybe you never even deserved to be called TXT’s leader, it should’ve been me” They both knew that was not true. Yeonjun always despised the thought of being the leader. Was even scared they’d make him it due to his age and training experience.

Soobin just couldn’t believe his ears. How delightful.

“You’re so fucking selfish, hyung, so ridiculous and so… so… so fucking full of yourself” He exclaimed calmly, though there was an undeniable anger on his tone, he had already given up on him… on their friendship. It broke his heart, but he couldn’t hide his true self anymore, at least not to anyone around him. He stood up again “You can’t try to humiliate me like this for who I am…” He said firmly, “or maybe it’s because you don’t know what it is to show your true self… always hiding behind the façade of being Big Hit’s legendary trainee but you don’t have much going on for yourself.”

Yeonjun gasped, and walked towards Soobin, fast and fuming “Me? I’m ridiculous and selfish?” He screamed, pushing Soobin back. “You!” He put his index finger roughly on Soobin’s chest – “You’re the one who’s selfish” He stepped back and signaled all around the room “Look around, stupid-ass. You just ruined our entire career, our entire group and our friendship” He laughed “I don’t think I can ever look at you again.”

“Stop” Taehyun screamed, standing in between them “don’t hit each other, you’ve done enough damage verbally.”

Yeonjun rolled his eyes and threw Taehyun away making the younger hit himself with the couch that was right behind him “This is not your fight, Taehyun-ah, go away.”

Hueningkai stood up, “You’re so wrong, hyung, this is our fight, you even mentioned it before, this is about ourselves, our careers, friendship and professional relationship, stop being selfish and maybe, actually think about us” Hyuka said, while he got out of the dorm. “I’ll be back… I don’t know when I’ll be back” The youngest left, slamming the door harshly.

Soobin took this time to just stare at Yeonjun, to see how the light entered the room and landed itself on Yeonjun’s skin, lighting it up perfectly, making him shine, almost ethereal, untouchable. And there’s nothing more accurate than that at the moment. Yeonjun was becoming unapproachable. It ached. He did always love his hyung. The oldest was always beautiful, even now.

Soobin stepped back. Breathed in. “Then leave, Yeonjun-ssi, go home” He whispered. Defeated.

He realized he wasn’t capable of listening to anything else, static just filled his mind. He was devastated, tired. He was right after all; life is egoistic, and everyone just fends for themselves and having found a will to live was just an individualistic need. He was so stupid at 15 and he’s still stupid at 21. In the end the world is just uncapable of collectiveness.

Breathed in. Breathed out.

He raised his eyes slowly, hooded, filled with tears “I hope you all know I’m genuinely sorry. I never wanted to actually hurt any of you.”

“We know” Beomgyu whispered.

Yeonjun rolled his eyes, “Don’t side with him, Gyu-ah” He grabbed his phone, wallet and keys and left… of course, not without forgetting to remind Soobin of his fate “You’re going to hell”.

* * *

Next morning, Soobin stood up, groggily and checked his phone. 20 missed calls. 12 from his mother, 1 from his father and 7 from his siblings. _Later._ He thought and went to the bathroom.

“Hyung” Soobin jumped due to the sudden noise.

“Oh” He adjusted himself, “Hi, Taehyun-ah.”

“Do you mind if we talk?”

Soobin smiled “Okay, is Gyu still here?” He questioned. Taehyun nodded, “Okay, when I’m done taking a piss, I’ll join you both.”

Taehyun smiled.

Soobin smiled too, at least someone seemed to be on his side.

After Soobin finished doing his business he went to Taehyun’s room. Beomgyu was there too.

Beomgyu spoke first. Carefully. “Hyung, let me speak first and let me finish” Soobin nodded, it’s not like he was over joyous to have to hold this conversation in the first place.

“I’m sorry… I really am, we should’ve stopped Yeonjun, maybe protected you but I just completely froze for some reason.” Beomgyu was looking down at his hands, playing with his fingers. Nervous. Soobin could relate. “Yeonjun and I… I don’t know… I never expected him to act like that… I just…” Beomgyu glanced back at Soobin, starring full on into the other’s eyes “I guess what I want to say is… I still love you” He tried to smile. It came out slightly broken. Soobin understood.

Taehyun turned to Beomgyu surprised “Hyung, you and Yeon-“ He started but Beomgyu interjected harshly “So yeah. Don’t think that I don’t care about you anymore, by the way, we wanted to ask you something”.

They didn’t question Beomgyu any further. “What is it?” Soobin gulped.

Taehyun jumped at that “Yeah… we guessed the company spoke to you, right?” Soobin nodded. “I guess we wanted to know what they told you…”

Soobin smiled. At least he could tell them this. “Basically they wanted to deny and bury it to the pits of Tartarus and hope for the best… see how this affected TXT and how it would work out for us in the end but…”

“Yeah…” they all said dejectedly.

Soobin looked down at the floor. Suddenly the carpet on Taehyun’s room was the most interesting thing in the world “I know this is practically the end,” He began, - “But I still wanted to thank you, and apologize” He sought the hands of the younger members “I never wanted to hide this from any of you, but… I had been so used to hide it, so disgusted of myself… I just had to keep it in.”

“Hyung” Taehyun interrupted, “it’s okay, you don’t need to explain it to us”.

Soobin protested, “But I do!” He said firmly, “I went behind your backs with a boy and was exposed to the entire media and you guys didn’t even know that I’m gay” Soobin hadn’t noticed that he was crying until he tasted his own tears between his lips… almost as if he was dying waterfall. “That guy was never important to me, I just felt like I needed to be held like that… like when some of you go on dates” He harshly wiped his tears. “It’s selfish I know… Yeonjun is right, I’m so selfish that I ruined the group that I had promised to protect”. He curled up, hugging himself. In the end, we do come to the world alone, and we leave the world by ourselves too. Sometimes we have to be our own warriors keeping our pieces together.

* * *

“Hyung, I’m going home now” Taehyun told him from the dorm’s entrance.

“Okay, take care” Soobin answered, “I hope we can see each other again… at some point”. It was wishful thinking, but it felt like a promise.

The door closed behind the younger. Now Soobin was completely alone at the dorms, Beomgyu had left a few minutes before so he could arrive at the train station on time to catch his train back to Daegu.

Soobin dragged himself back to his room and called his mother.

The phone ringed around 3 times until his mother’s voice could be heard. To say Soobin was nervous was an understatement. “Hello?” She replied.

“Hi, mom” He answered. Trying to sound as calm as he could.

“How are you, Binnie?”

Soobin could only laugh slightly, “how do you think? Everything’s calm…” Somewhere along the way, his voice cracked.

“Soobin-ah, baby” His mother’s comforting voice resonated through his body, vibrating inside of him, reminding him. _You’re alive. You’re okay._

Soobin breathed in shakenly “Mom…” He whispered. Broken. “I’m sorry” He cried again. He had already lost count of just how many times he had cried in the past 24 hours.

Silence followed for a few seconds from his mom’s side, only Soobin’s sobs could be heard. “Binnie… I always told you; you had to live for yourself, didn’t I?” Her voice was so calm Soobin could barely believe it. Maybe his mom still loved him. He was so thankful. He still didn’t quite understand what that comment had to do with anything. “I always wanted you to stand your ground, hold your beliefs close to your heart. Grip strong so nobody could take them away easily” She continued softly, words luring Soobin to tranquility. “Not even me… not even your dad… understood?”

“Yes, mom” He whispered, leaning onto his bed, he was alone at the dorm he suddenly remembered. The silence was deafening but it was exactly what he needed to be able to have this conversation with his mom. “But what does that have to do with anything? Aren’t you mad at me?”

There was a faint a laugh in the other line. Soobin could see the smile that was forming on his mother’s lips if he closed his eyes hard enough. “Of course I’m not, baby. I didn’t call to question you. I wanted to comfort you.” Soobin could already feel tears wanting to come out of his eyes again… a broken waterfall really did fit him. “I do wish you had told me sooner, but I’m here.”

“Thank you, mom” He managed to croak out.

“But now listen” Her tone got more serious, skyrocketing Soobin’s anxiety levels. “I love you; I shouldn’t even need to tell you that I accept you because you’re my son, I accepted everything about you the moment you were conceived. I already knew I was going to be by your side always” She reassured. Soobin’s heartbeat calmed down a little bit. “But what you did was reckless, Binnie, you know that right?”

“I know, mom” He felt 15 again.

“Did it mean anything? With that boy?”

“No”

“Are the boys with you?”

“No, they left.”

“Why?”

“We had a fight.”

He could hear his mother moving around, maybe to another room. “Baby…” She could hear pity in her tone. Soobin caged in the need to tell her not to pity him. “They’ll come around. Your dad is kind of having a hard time right now… I’m sorry but I’ll get him to open his eyes again. You’ve got me, okay?”

Soobin nodded although his mother couldn’t see him. _Oh god. What wouldn’t I do so she could run her fingers through my head? Keeping me close. Whispering sweet nothings into my ear._ “Thank you, mom.”

“Remember Soobin… always live for yourself”.

* * *

**7 years later.**

Airports always give off a weird vibe. Maybe it’s because of the mixed feelings that surround them. Sometimes you can feel joy and excitement since for you it means you’ll be off to a new adventure. Other times you can be dropping off a person that means the entire world to you so they can continue on with their lives. In other situations you could be headed to place you don’t really want to go, while in other circumstances maybe you’re just going back to a place you should be able to call home.

Seven years later, Soobin was still uncapable of calling Korea home but maybe he’ll get there soon. He wanted to be optimistic, it was part of his New Year Resolutions a few months ago and he still intended to stay loyal towards it.

_“Who’re you? Sure you got the correct number?”_

Soobin laughed at Hueningkai’s message, they’ve gotten back to talking last year. He was thoroughly relieved; he doesn’t know how he survived that long without his gum. He called him.

“Stranger!!!” Hyuka exclaimed exaggeratedly.

Soobin smiled. He really was glad he got his friendship with Hueningkai back. “Stop being so dramatic” He said.

Hyuka gasped “Hyung, I’m a Leo, you’re asking for too much from me.”

“Damn… getting you into astrology was the biggest mistake of my life” Soobin assured.

Hueningkai sighed. Soobin could already picture the way the younger was shaking his head “Now, tell me, who’s being a dramatic Sagittarius?” The younger asked hypothetically. “Exactly” He answered himself, not even giving Soobin a chance to speak. “You”.

“Oh my god” Soobin laughed, wholeheartedly. Loudly, unashamed, “Hyuka, stop” He continued smiling, “I’m arriving to Korea in a few hours and that’s how you’ll receive me in the country that had the privilege of having seen me born?” He joked.

“Yes” The younger answered dryly making both of them laugh.

“Brat” Soobin smiled. “See you soon at the airport.”

The younger laughed “See you” He finalized and hung up.

Soobin was in line, about to hop on an airplane that was about to take him back to Korea. He had moved a few years ago to Japan but continued going to Korea constantly, but now he was going back to Korea for good. He was going to stay. He was terrified but he’d never admit it to anyone.

“Sir?” The flight attendant spoke, making him come out of his thoughts, “Ticket and ID?” She quired.

Soobin got near her and removed his face mask “Here” He muttered and gave both solicited items to her. Something seemed to flash through her eyes, maybe recognition? Even after all these years, people still remembered who Soobin was. Not like he let people forget. After Soobin went through the turmoil that it was to break his contract with Big Hit, he sought to become a person young Koreans could look up to. _You’re not alone. I’m like you and I’m fine, we’re all going to be fine._ Some people around the media call him an activist… he doesn’t know how he feels about that label yet, he just wants to live for himself and become the person he needed at 15.

After the flight attendant finished checking his ticket, she turned shyly at him “Are you…?”

Soobin smiled at her, reassuringly “I am” Sometimes the feedback he got from strangers that recognized him on the street was horrible, spewing words that would take him back to that horrid night 7 years ago, but some others would be heartwarming. Soobin didn’t feel scared anymore to know which reaction would come his way, his young self would’ve wanted him to be unbreakable, brave. And now he kind of was.

“Oh” Her eyes shone, the stars living inside her coming out to show themselves “You’ve inspired me so much, to become myself.”

Words like that had become a rather common occurrence, but they never failed to fill him with warmth. This is what makes all the suffering he went through back in the day worth it. He is worth it. Everyone is.

“Thank you” He smiled, honestly, dimples coming out. “Means a lot.”

She smiled back, “I don’t want to hold back the line any longer but really, thanks a lot.”

“Welcome” He answered rapidly and went inside the plane to find his sit.

* * *

Hueningkai had taken Soobin to a place that had been built during his absence, the younger promised him that it had an exceptional tteokbokki, he didn’t quite care much about the taste, but he did trust Hueningkai’s and Taehyun’s judgement on this type of things.

“So, how is it?” The younger asked.

Soobin pretended to hesitate, “By the way you described this place while we were texting, I thought it’d like a restaurant the Queen Elizabeth would have a meal at if she ever visited Korea” He joked. Amused. The younger only rolled his eyes. “I guess this is good, nevertheless”.

Hueningkai hummed acknowledging, “You’re so high maintenance since you left for Japan, I swear to god you were easier to please when you still lived here” He assured. “But now, you’re back for good… it’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

Soobin grabbed his glass that was filled with soju… he would need a drink for this conversation, in the end he was still getting acquainted with the idea of living in Korea again, even if this is the place that brought him to life and saw him grow, it is also where he felt more repressed. He didn’t want to go back to that. “It has”, he confirmed, and before Hyuka could ask, he continued “I feel a little scared but I’m not the same person I was almost a decade ago, which I’m glad… I’m glad a lot of things have changed to be honest” He took a pause, taking a sip from his drink, he was now realizing that despite the fact that he was never rather fond of change, it’s easy to become friends with it if you’re in the correct situation. If change needs you, it’ll find a way to make itself at home in one of the rooms of your heart so you can realize change is intrinsic. “I’ve missed my mother, my siblings… and I wonder how Taehyun and Beomgyu are too.”

He didn’t say Yeonjun’s name but they both knew… they both knew that name had gone unmentioned, resonating within the insides of both of them, memories still lingering from when they used to train together and how the oldest guided them through the choreography step by step although he could’ve gone home early, or how he gave them singing tips and taught them facial expressions. They tried so hard to attach themselves to the good memories they had stored in their hearts of their hyung. That night seven years ago had to be able to erase itself somehow.

Hueningkai nodded while finishing to digest the bite he had taken while Soobin was talking, “They’re together right now, you know?” He told him, “Taehyun and Beomgyu”, he clarified. “It has taken us a while but we’re talking to Beomgyu hyung again”.

“Really? You never told me” Soobin thought Beomgyu had taken a full step away from them, even if he stayed in Korea, keeping contact with him had been tough, they didn’t even know why.

Hueningkai at least had the decency to shy away, “It’s still pretty recent, and it has taken a lot of warming up again… We don’t know what he went through during these years, but it must’ve been tough… and he was all by himself”. He whispered the last sentence, now pensive.

Soobin nodded. He understood Beomgyu, a lot went down and even before that one night. They all had a lot going on, a lot of baggage they never had an opportunity to show to the entire group. He was proof of that, he could never blame Beomgyu for taking a step back to deal with his own stuff, “I’m glad he’s back in contact though, is he still in Daegu?”

“No, he moved back, has been managing some of his dad’s car racing business in Seoul.”

“Cool” Soobin took another sip of his drink, “I hope the four of us can be reunited again”.

Hueningkai showcased a small smile, “I hope we could expect more than that” He mumbled but he was still audible. Soobin didn’t say anything, they both knew he was referring to Yeonjun.

They drank to that.

* * *

His first two weeks back in Korea had been calm. He went home, visited his mom and his dad. Throughout the time Soobin was in Japan, his dad had warmed up to him again. To say that he was thankful was an understatement. _You’re still my son, I love you._ His dad told him once through the phone, Soobin could barely keep his tears in, he was now sure the two people he loved the most, loved him too.

His siblings were just as glad to see him, especially so Soobin could give them the souvenirs he had brought for them from Japan. He was glad he had them.

Nevertheless, he had booked a hotel until he found a proper apartment he could live at since he was not planning to stay at his parent’s place being 28 years old, especially since he stopped living with them at 15. His hotel was near downtown Seoul, and even if it didn’t have an amazing view where he could stare at them immense city at night, he still had a nice place to live in for a while. It was spacious and everywhere in the city felt close, even if it wasn’t… in big cities nothing is ever actually close, but Soobin was now rather an optimistic person.

_“ Gyu: Hi ^^” _

Beomgyu had now recently made a group chat where he included Soobin, Taehyun, Hueningkai and obviously himself so they the four of them could begin talking again. Not much conversation has happened even though the group was made more than a week ago. Soobin knew they were all scared to take the first step. He was glad Beomgyu took it, he was always a brave person.

_“ Tyun: Hello hyung”_

Soobin laughed, Taehyun was still a dry texter as ever, he quickly typed down his reply. _“Hi everyone, what’s up?”_

_“ Gyu: Let’s hang out! It’ll be like the old times”._

_“ Hyuka: Tomorrow?”_

The four of them quickly agreed, going to a café in Gangnam, the weather was nice that day, Soobin took it as a good luck sign from the stars. Maybe this meeting will go be fine. He smiled, full of hope.

They made small talk for a few minutes, but how much small talk can be made between people who spent every minute of their lives together for around 4-5 years and then had a horrible fall-out? Not much really.

The atmosphere was awkward and tense. Soobin wishes the situation were just a piece of clothing that he could place on an ironing board so he could straighten up the parts where it had gotten wrinkled, where it had gone wrong with warmth. He wishes things could be easier. They never were. Beomgyu sighed, he had texted them _‘Let’s hang out! It’ll be like the old times.’_ Maybe it’s time for them to realize that no matter how hard they try, things will never be like the old times… like how they used to be, and if they wanted this new friendship to work, then they’ll have to build everything back, putting the pieces back together and acquaint themselves to the person the others had become over time.

“I’m sorry” Beomgyu suddenly spoke. “I know I shouldn’t have disappeared on you guys but there were still many things I wasn’t ready to say”. The tension dissipated a little, maybe they needed to address this too, so they were able to begin again. So, they were able to actually start on a blank page but with the love they already had for each other untouched.

Soobin reached for Beomgyu’s hand, interlocking their fingers, “It’s okay, it was a rough patch for everyone”. He reassured the younger.

He nodded, “I know but I still wanted to apologize… I’m glad I’m back here… with you guys.” He smiled, “I’ve been speaking a little bit with Taehyun during the past few weeks and I wanted to tell you and Hueningkai too” They both nodded encouragingly “I’m bisexual.”

Soobin was rather surprised, gawking unintentionally but he rapidly recomposed himself as Hueningkai began speaking “Thank you for telling us”.

Soobin’s eyes shined, proud of his friend “Yeah, Gyu, we love you” He squeezed they younger’s hand, he was still holding him tight. Repaying for the time they had spent apart, maybe this will make them feel united again spiritually. Hand holding had always been rather intimate, holding so much meaning in just a simple gesture.

“I already knew even before everything happened that one night, but I just couldn’t bring myself to say it as I already mentioned… I wish I could explain a little further, but it isn’t just my story to tell” Beomgyu continued, sparking the curiosity of everyone in the room, what did he mean by that… how is It not his story to tell? Maybe they would’ve asked if the circumstances were different, but they had learnt not to push things, not to meddle, not to ask if the other person is not ready to talk, and simultaneously they were also learning how to be more open.

“It’s really been a while, hasn’t it?” Taehyun spoke, changing slightly the topic so Beomgyu didn’t feel forced to share more than what he was comfortable with telling them as for now.

“It has but I’m glad we’re here now, maybe we should take a selfie” Hueningkai offered, while taking his phone out and raising it to a selfie angle. The four of them squished together, making sure they all fitted comfortably in the frame. After taking it, Hueningkai smiled, “I’m sharing this, I’m sure our fans would love to see this.”

Even after all the years that went by, some fans still lingered, especially due to Hueningkai’s small solo career, He debuted as a soloist after they disbanded, but made sure he was able to stay in the down low. Being in the spotlight isn’t always as fun as they make it seem in the movies.

They all laughed, “They’re going to be like _‘Oh, look how much they’ve grown’_ ” Taehyun said, his voice going slightly a pitch higher. They smiled. Soobin glanced back at Beomgyu, seeing him grimace. _Uh?_

“Gyu…” He whispered, making sure only the younger could hear him, “are you okay?”

Beomgyu jumped, he had definitely been inside his own thoughts, “Yeah…” he whispered, “I actually think I should mention another thing too” he spoke louder this time so Taehyun and Hueningkai turned to him again. Paying attention.

“What is it?”

He giggled nervously, “I never stopped speaking to Yeonjun hyung” the three of them nodded holding their breath, not completely surprised, somehow it seemed like they all had expected it. “And I don’t know if you guys knew that he went to the U.S.” Beomgyu continued getting more nervous as time passed by, they nodded, urging him to finish, “well… he’s coming back too… soon… I’m still not sure when but it’s within this month and I don’t know, I thought y’all should know” He finished in a rush.

Soobin wasn’t sure if he was breathing anymore. His hand fell from where it had been holding Beomgyu’s earlier. His entire body felt stiff, forgotten, languid… all at the same time. He wonders if he still exists anymore. _You’re still dumb, aren’t you Soobin?_ He laughed internally at himself. _You’re still affected by him. Hearing his name already got yourself crumbling on your knees, but the possibility of seeing him? Pathetic. You never stopped being pathetic._ “Oh” He replied, placing his arms on the table in front of him, and his face inside his hands holding back the urge to cry and runaway deep inside of him. _Pitiful._

* * *

Soobin knew he had tendencies of being irrational but old habits die hard, overthinking is most of the times irrational thoughts that our mind supplies to itself, conquering our thought process and actions. Some would consider overthinking a way of self-sabotaging, and they’re not completely wrong. Soobin would know. It makes you act panickily and jump to conclusions, and it makes Soobin go back to the thought that has been on his mind since he was a teenager: are the decisions presented on his life his to make or someone else’s?

Therefore he’s not surprised that he’s weary of every place he visits for the following days. It is irrational but he’s preparing himself in case he crosses paths with Yeonjun once again, not like it’s easy to cross paths in a city where the population is almost 10 million. One can’t never be careful enough Soobin concludes.

Despite that, he focuses on continuing on his life as normal as possible, at the moment he was a constant participant of a Podcast that focused on the impact the hallyu wave have on young LGBT Koreans.

“Soobin-ssi, how would you basically describe your experience in the K-pop industry as a gay man?” The host asked him. Soobin has already answered this question multiple times on different shows and interviews, but he knows he’ll have to answer it a thousand times more so it can actually resonate in the ears of the ones who need to hear it. At least Soobin wishes someone had straight on told him this before ever considering becoming an idol. But he was desperate at the time, he recognizes, he was desperate to feel alive.

Soobin already knew he needed to be careful but straightforward “It was really tough, Donhwan” He began, honestly, “you already know it’s something that you’ll hide, we’re still a really conservative country” Soobin tried to laugh, looking to lighten up the mood, “and believe me… you come to terms with the fact that you never can truly showcase yourself. Actually, within the industry that thought, and conversation is rather common.”

“I can imagine.”

Soobin nodded, although the audience couldn’t see him, in the end this was also a conversation he was holding directly with the host “But fanservice?” His tone began getting condescending “That’s where it’s barely bearable, you never know what lines are good to cross and which aren’t” He said as a matter of fact, “you never know if one of your teammates is really good at fanservice but also really homophobic” Soobin knew that comment hit too close to home, and most people who knew his history would be able to read between the lines… he was dying to let that comment slip out for years.

“Damn” Donhwan said, astonished. Soobin understood, even after all these years, there still weren’t many out LGBT idols in the industry, “the lines get blurry in between, don’t they?”

“Yeah, and not in the way people may be thinking right now.” Soobin rushed to clarify, “it’s not like you think your teammate has a crush on you, because believe me, nobody ever actually thinks that… the lines get blurry in the way where you don’t know how much of yourself you can show” He said, “or if you’re making your team uncomfortable… even if they don’t know you’re gay.”

Donhwan looked at him for a few seconds. Soobin briefly wondered if he felt uncomfortable in his presence too… completely ignoring the fact that he ran a Podcast show for Korea’s LGBT teens. _Maybe you’re disgusting overall, Soobin. There’s no need to blame your sexuality._ Soobin smiled above his consciousness, burying those thoughts in a cage where they wouldn’t be able to come out easily. “It really is hard… that feeling where you don’t know if they feel uncomfortable… homophobia and internalized homophobia are truly the two sides of the same coin” Donhwan sympathized.

Soobin felt like he could relax again, “True, and I don’t even think the fans, or the general public even realize how damaging and hurtful it is –” He said feeling a little bit braver, “for them to want to see their idols act gay together but not actually want them… to be gay.” His voice was firm. This needed to be said.

The host sighed, “Korea still has a long way to go, doesn’t it?”

Soobin smiled dejectedly, “definitely.”

* * *

Soobin had already found an apartment for himself near the hotel he stayed at previously, fortunately rent was reasonable and it was still close to the places he frequented.

He laid in bed, some Disney movie playing in the background, he did always love playing Disney movies when he needed comfort and time alone, he knew it was cliché but it’s true. ‘Brave’ had always been a movie he held close to his heart. A reminder.

7:43 P.M.

He saw on his phone the time as his stomach grumbled simultaneously. He had been locked up for the entire day, claiming this was his resting day and that once in a while he deserved to take 24 hours for himself. He paused the movie and grabbed his wallet, standing up to go to the convenience store that had his favorite snacks.

It didn’t take him long to arrive, as it was just a few blocks away. He entered the store, greeted the cashier and she smiled in response. Soobin didn’t waste time and began heading to the aisle that had the snacks he had come for until he saw him. Until he heard him laugh with whoever he was talking to on the phone.

Soobin felt like he was choking. Drowning. Desperately gasping for air. He felt like screaming but he was on a position where his entire body felt underwater, maybe even trapped by algae, preventing him from moving.

Soobin would recognize that laugh anywhere. Joyous, overflowing, tranquil, filled with confidence and happiness… like music. He knows describing laughs as music was overrated, yet he couldn’t find a more proper way to describe the way the other sounded. His entire presence could be placed in The Louvre instead of the Mona Lisa and Soobin was sure it’d still be the most visited painting in the museum.

He gulped and got behind one of the store’s shelf, rapidly grabbing the first thing that his eyes fell on and rushing to check-out. _Detergent?_ He caught a glimpse of what he had taken. _I already have this at home._ He expressed desperately, but he wasn’t going to go back to that shelf or look for something else, though. He needed to get out as soon as possible.

_Why is he here? Does he live nearby? Fuck._

“Is it this all?” The cashier asked him, eyes going into crescent moons, friendly.

Soobin smiled back. “Yes please”

“Soobin?”

His breath hitched and his body went rigid, _this can’t be happening, this can’t be happening._ He forced out another smile ignoring his name being called out. “That’ll be 8 thousand won.”

Soobin took a 10 thousand bill out from his wallet hurriedly, “here”. Suddenly the other’s steps felt nearer. Closer. Soobin didn’t want to hear him anymore. “You know what? You can keep the change… I’m in a rush” He told the cashier and left, not even turning back to see their reaction.

He wishes he could fly, for many reasons, when he was kid people always used to ask, “what superpower would you like to have?”, Soobin always believed flying was the coolest and more useful one, he imagined how the wind would run through his fingers, how it’d hold him up and hug him all around. Free… he’d feel free just for the sake of moving. Running never quite managed to make him feel like that, Soobin always imagined that flying would feel like liberty. He envies every specie that can open up its wings and fly out to an adventure. Humans would never be capable of experiencing actual freedom, no matter how hard people would tell you: “If you do what you love, you’ll be free”. Lies. Everything is a lie.

“Soobin” The other person repeated more firmly this time, grabbing onto Soobin’s wrist just as he was supposed to open his car’s door,

Soobin counted… 1… 2… 3… and turned around. The older was standing right in front of him, beautiful. “Can’t you take a fucking hint, Yeonjun-ssi?” Soobin spoke, harshly, shaking his arm so his it was free from the older’s grip.

Yeonjun looked struck, eyes open wide, cheeks flushed. _Cute._ “I’m sorry, Soobin, I just… I don’t know, I thought I saw you and…” He suddenly stopped.

“And what?” Soobin rolled his eyes, not being able to tone down his annoyance. He had to keep the façade that he was okay up. Vulnerability be damned.

The older looked up, interlocking their eyes. Soobin felt his heart jump. _Stupid._ He absentmindedly reminded himself. “Do you want to meet up with me sometime?” He said in a rush.

Soobin could barely believe his ears, eyes filling with tears unconsciously. Soobin was tired of pretending but he had to. Sometimes you can’t ever stop acting, in the end his mom did always tell him ‘fake it till you make it’. “Are you stupid?” He quired tiredly, voice almost in a whisper.

“Uh…” Yeonjun looked lost, his own eyes watering, “I just…”

“Nothing, you just nothing” Soobin’s voice was wavering but still firm, filled with desperation, with sadness and everything in between that had consumed him after he lost contact with the older years ago, “you’re going to leave me alone, just like you so desperately wanted me to a few years ago” Soobin looked inside Yeonjun’s eyes. Deep. “And you’re going to forget that we ever saw each other right now, okay?” He finalized.

Yeonjun stared back. Defeated, arms on both of his sides, shivering, autumn was near but Soobin could bet that that wasn’t the only reason the older was trembling. Maybe the harsh words that the older had missed to tell him a few years ago were moving rapidly inside of him, begging to be let out, begging to break Soobin’s heart again. He wasn’t sure he was strong enough for that.

Soobin opened his car and hopped in, and just when he was about to close the door, the older spoke “I listened to your Podcast with Donhwan the other day.” It was a whisper, but he intended for Soobin to be able to hear him.

He turned his eyes to him, one hand in the wheel and the other on the door handle, awaiting to be closed. “What?”

Yeonjun’s eyes shacked nervously, “I heard what you said and… now that I see you, I wish we could talk?” His hands were moving just as nervous as his eyes, “I understand if you don’t want to.”

Soobin laughed, hurt. “If I don’t want to? Do you really think it’s this easy? That I’ll just forgive you like that and accept to spend time with you voluntarily?” He threw his head back cynically, almost closing the door.

The older rushed to him, holding the door open, desperate. Soobin could at least give him that, Yeonjun did know how to act desperate, maybe he should’ve been an actor instead of an idol. “No!” The older exclaimed, “I don’t think that… please… let’s talk?”

Soobin pitied him a little, and he was beautiful too, the moonlight accentuating his facial expressions, he hated himself for thinking the older was still as gorgeous as ever, if anything, age only made him more handsome. _Do you ever learn, Soobin?_ His grip on the wheel got stronger, “I’ll think about it” He told him, “you’re still in contact with Beomgyu, aren’t you?”

“Yes”

“I’ll ask him for your number, now leave me alone.”

The older simply nodded, watching how Soobin rushed away. Maybe in another life he will be the one that got away. Soobin felt helpless.

* * *

_“I need to talk to you.”_

Soobin texted Taehyun a day after his encounter with Yeonjun, even when the group was still together, Taehyun was his confidant, his ride or die. Soobin isn’t sure how he survived without the younger by his side to talk to him whenever he needed… he also regrets he wasn’t there for the younger. _You’re back together don’t dwell on the past. You decided to let him in again._

_“Right now?”_

_“Yes, come to my place, can you?”_

_“Sure, omw”_

Soobin paced around the apartment as he waited, replaying in his head everything Yeonjun had told him, he couldn’t forget any detail. He barely noticed when there was a slight knock on the door, too busy burying his impulsivity away.

“Who is it?” He asked, although he fully knew it was Taehyun behind the door.

“Death” The younger replied monotonously, “I’ve finally come for you.”

Soobin laughed, opening up the door with an exaggerated excitement, “thank you! Finally”

Taehyun didn’t say anything else, letting himself in, already taking his shoes off, making himself comfortable at Soobin’s place. It made Soobin smile that at least, this familiarity still remained.

“Water?” He offered the younger, as he began sitting down.

Taehyun nodded. “Please.”

Soobin filled two glasses with water and took it to the living room where Taehyun was sitting at, “I saw Yeonjun.” He didn’t beat around the bush, going straight to the point.

Taehyun almost choked “What?” He asked. “When?”

“Yesterday”

“Oh” The younger looked pensive, “how was it?”

Soobin knew Taehyun already knew chances were the meeting was atrocious to say the least, and they were right “Heart-wrenching, to be honest”, the younger hummed, urging him to continue “it was so weird seeing him after such a long time…”

Taehyun smiled crookedly, “of course it was”, he said.

“He asked us to meet… to talk.”

Tyun’s eyes brightened up at that, “Oh, did he?” Soobin nodded. “And do you want to? Speak to him again? I imagine that he said he wanted to explain himself or something.”

To be completely honest, Soobin wasn’t sure if he wanted to talk to Yeonjun, or if he was ready, he had become way too familiarized with the grudge he had been holding against the older, wearing it like an amulet he kept hidden inside his shirt… don’t blame him, though Soobin was only human. “I don’t know” He answered honestly.

Taehyun nodded, accommodating himself so his arms were now resting on his knees. “Not like it matters what I think since this is your fight… but I do think you want to speak to him… listen to what he has to say, but you’re scared he’ll break you again.”

Something panged on his chest, Taehyun did always know too much for his own good, or maybe Soobin was an open book to him, he envied both ideas an equal amount. “I think you’re right –”, he began playing with his fingers, “I don’t know if I’m strong enough to withhold a conversation with him.”

“If it’s not now, then when will you feel ready, Soobin?” Taehyun questioned him, but it was more a hypothetical question Soobin had to ask himself. “Remember that you need to live for yourself, and even if a second or a minute don’t seem like a long time… when you actually weigh them into full measure… that’s when you realize just how important those seconds and minutes were and you’ll want them back.” He told him, advising him, guiding him through his emotions, infiltrating himself in Soobin’s thought process. “Seven years have already passed; do you want to waste more minutes?”

Soobin already knew his answer.

* * *

But thinking things were easier said than done, so when more than a week went by after he held that conversation with Taehyun, Soobin pretended to be shocked.

 _I’ll ask Beomgyu for his number later._ He continuously told himself, because if Soobin was an A+ overthinker he was always a master of procrastinating things he didn’t want to do.

What did shock him was when he found Beomgyu desperately knocking on Soobin’s door at ass o’clock. “What are you doing here?” Soobin questioned as he opened the door up for Beomgyu.

“I don’t know” The younger said.

“It’s almost midnight.”

“I know.”

Soobin nodded worriedly, the younger… or anyone really, weren’t used to show up at his place unannounced. Soobin checked his phone in case he had missed any texts from the younger. None.

Awkward silence filled the room, Soobin didn’t know what to do, he sat down in front of the younger and waited for him to start talking, if he had bothered to come here at this hour, he must have something important to say that couldn’t be texted.

Beomgyu took a deep breath. “I know you and Yeonjun saw each other a week ago.” Soobin’s anxiety skyrocketed at that moment, he was scared where this conversation could head itself.

“We did.”

“He told me, you said you’ll ask me for his number, so why haven’t you?” Beomgyu starred directly at him.

Soobin sighed. “I don’t know, I talked to Taehyun about it… and I do want to talk to him, I just… don’t know, I just keep setting it back.” He told him honestly, Soobin was tired of himself and how he was handling things, but he couldn’t find a way to change his method.

Beomgyu hummed. “Will you ask me for his number now?”

“No.”

“Then when?”

“I don’t know!” Soobin began feeling exasperated. Annoyed.

“Why not?” Beomgyu was also growing more irritated by the second.

“I just don’t want to talk to him yet, okay?” Soobin half-screamed.

“Fuck –“ Beomgyu ran his fingers through his hair frustratedly. “can’t you just speak to him once?” He screamed.

“No, Beomgyu, I can’t even look at him in the eye without wanting to cry, why are you so insistent?” Soobin questioned, he was also frustrated, he didn’t want to fight with his friends again, not when he had just recently gotten them back.

“I need you to give him a chance, for god’s sake” The younger began pacing around the room back and forth, “I know you’re hurt, I understand you, but you should understand him too.”

Soobin stood up abruptly, making the chair he was sitting on fall, “You know nothing! You don’t understand anything about me –” He pointed his finger at Beomgyu, accusingly, “you don’t know what it was like to be humiliated like that by someone you considered a brother, by someone you loved wholeheartedly and would probably take a bullet for” Soobin cried out, screaming. He never stopped being a broken waterfall in the end, “you don’t know what that was like, being held to your knees and being called a disgrace.”

Beomgyu gawked at him, rushing to get near Soobin, breaking his bubble, eying him despite the height difference “You’re the one who doesn’t know shit, hyung –” His voice was calm but venomous, Soobin almost felt like he’d been stung by a snake, “and I would probably tell you our… my side” He quickly corrected taking a step back. “But frankly, I don’t owe you an explanation.”

Soobin inhaled “Our? What exactly do you mean by that?” He questioned, taunting the younger, knowing Beomgyu didn’t want to share more than that, that he corrected himself because he knew he shouldn’t have said that, because he didn’t want to be questioned but now… Soobin kind of wanted Beomgyu to suffer too, _why is he being so unreasonable?_ His subconscious supplied, he didn’t it know if it was referring to himself or Beomgyu. Soobin didn’t care. He had made his choice.

“Uhm…” Beomgyu’s front wavered, Soobin had clearly chosen the right way to go,

Soobin laughed, cynically “Ah… cat got your tongue now? You aren’t as brave anymore, are you?” He laughed again, and again.

Beomgyu’s breathing was becoming erratic “You want to know the truth, hyung? Is that what you want?” More than questions, they felt like a dare.

“Of course I want to.”

“I’ve carried the blame of everything Yeonjun told you that one night unprovoked” He began, causing Soobin to halt, he definitely did not expect anything close to that, “and believe me, I’m sorry that happened to you, but I was also going through shit” Beomgyu’s eyes were filled with tears, some of them reaching his chin. Soobin’s heart calmed down, he felt the necessity to hold the younger close, wipe his tears, caress his hair. He couldn’t. He needed to stand his ground. “Nobody knows, but Yeonjun and I have history, and everything he told you that night?” Beomgyu got close to Soobin again, daring, vulnerable, screaming with his eyes ‘listen to me, I am not scared anymore’. Soobin wishes he felt like that too. “I felt it directed towards me” Beomgyu punctuated each and every single word, making sure Soobin was understanding him. Feeling his emotions too.

“Stop.” He pleaded.

“No!” Beomgyu screamed, “you don’t get to ask me to stop now –” He pushed Soobin from his chest and made him sit back down, “Now you’re going to sit back and listen to me.” Voice filled with rage. Soobin could only nod. “I stayed by Yeonjun’s side because something… a part of me that I wish didn’t exist begged me to. ‘Help him, don’t leave him’ that was what that part of me told me every night, it even told me scarier things like ‘maybe you’re in love with him’” Soobin gasped. Beomgyu paid him no mind, “and you know what? Maybe I was” Beomgyu lowered his head, not being able to hide his tears any longer. Defeated.

Soobin’s lips moved a little bit upwards, not exactly into a smile, he just understood where the younger one was coming from now. He was sorry. His damage had been done successfully. “Come here” He grabbed the younger’s hand making him sit on his lap, holding him close, “it’s okay, I’m sorry.”

“I just had to understand… I contacted Yeonjun again a little after everything happened because I needed to know that it wasn’t my fault what happened that night” The younger whispered, “because I was so sure that it was… that it was me who caused Yeonjun to act like that, to say those things he didn’t really mean to you.”

Soobin’s mind flashed with an image of a younger Beomgyu almost telling him and Taehyun what he experienced with Yeonjun, he smiled pitifully, both at himself and Beomgyu. Both of them had fallen for a boy that was incapable of loving the way they loved him. He sighed and caressed his hair, “I’m sorry I lashed out like that” He really regretted it now.

Beomgyu nodded slowly, his body was stopping to shake, allowing him to recompose himself “Yeonjun and I talked everything out, and fixed our shit between ourselves” He told him as he stood up, picking up the chair Soobin had accidentally made fall a few moments ago, so he could sit beside him, “and you don’t have to worry, Yeonjun never loved me back like that” The younger reassured.

“Why would I worry about that?”

Beomgyu smiled. “Trust me.” Soobin hated when people smiled like they knew something that he didn’t, although he could imagine to what Beomgyu was referring to… his heart did loosen up a little, Soobin hadn’t even noticed when it had knotted itself.

* * *

Nevertheless, things were still extremely tough… so when Soobin sits on his bed starring at his phone, displaying Yeonjun’s name on his messaging app and he begins feeling like a nervous wreck… he act surprised. _Soobin what are you doing? This is literally just Yeonjun._ His mind reminds him, Soobin laughs because it is just Yeonjun, and that’s exactly the problem. He had asked for the older’s number a few days after his little feud with Beomgyu, the younger was rather shocked at first texting him _‘are u sure hyung? Or are u hacked?’_ Soobin rolled his eyes and texted back _‘I am sure, please’._ Beomgyu was more than happy to comply.

 _Brave, you are brave._ And maybe Soobin was almost 29 but he’s just realizing that he’s been reminding himself to be brave since he was 15… maybe humans are never meant to become certain things, maybe we as people must keep reminding ourselves repeatedly to act a certain way so we can remember that we’re still human and that we’re alive. He internally laughed at the irony of it all. 

_“Hey! It’s Soobin”_

He closed his eyes and hit sent. Feeling atrociously nervous, like he was about to talk to one of the most important people of his life… he guesses that isn’t that far off from the truth. Immediately, the older replied.

_“Oh my god_

_Damn… I wasn’t supposed to send that yet._

_I’m sorry!!!!_

_Hey :D”_

Soobin giggled, _maybe he’s really dying to talk to me,_ he thought to himself, laughing… although internally he really wished the older was in fact, doing his best, to hold a conversation with Soobin. Fighting hard for him.

_“So… I guess I’m ready to talk.”_

Despite it all, he didn’t feel like wandering around the bush. Even if he was willing to talk to Yeonjun privately, it still doesn’t mean he wants to continue a relationship with the older… platonically of course.

He laughs. Why is he clarifying that to himself?

_“Oh, really?_

_When do you want to meet?”_

Soobin began sweating buckets. Nervous. Things were becoming more palpable by the second the conversation progressed. To say that he was about to throw up was saying the least. _Soobin, you can do this. Remember what Taehyun told you… do you really want to wait more minutes?_ Soobin breathed in again.

_“What about tomorrow?”_

He felt surprised over his own bluntness… but well, he did want to get this conversation over with. Maybe never see Yeonjun again… or yes… Soobin wasn’t sure about what he wanted anymore, not like he ever was. People lie to you when they tell you that by your late 20’s everything gets easier and you’re aware about what you want and what you don’t… it never gets easier, you just get better at letting go of the useless things you’d normally ponder over faster or well, at pretending.

_“Sure!_

_Over coffee, it’s good?”_

_“Of course, just send me the address.”_

Soobin couldn’t hold the breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding for much longer and let it out. Seeing him face to face will be even harder but at least this is done as for now. Soobin turned to his TV, ready to watch the latest Good Place episode before going to sleep. He doesn’t think he’s prepared to finish this show but it’s so good he couldn’t find it in himself to stop.

Inevitably, much to Soobin’s dismay his alarm ringed the following morning, indicating that his day was beginning once again. He grabbed his phone, turning the alarm off and skim scanned his texts.

_“Meet me at 12 in this address :D”_

Yeonjun had texted him early in the morning, he attached a Google Maps’ link, so it’d be easier for Soobin to find the coffee shop where they were going to find each other. He checked the time ‘ _10:37’_. Tiredly he got up immediately going to his closet to check the clothes he was going to wear so he could head to the shower.

It took him around 5 more minutes than what it would normally take him to choose his clothing for the day but at last, he found himself in the shower singing Troye Sivan’s Strawberries & Cigarettes at the top of his lungs. He had to find a way to distract his mind from the way his heart wanted to jump out of his chest.

It did not work. It actually only got worse by the time he found himself in front of the coffee shop address the older had sent him. He took three deep breaths readying himself for whatever was going to come his way. Bracing himself unconsciously. Bravely, he opened the door, and his eyes checked the entire place, finding Yeonjun sitting in the corner with already two drinks in front of him, scrolling through his phone. Relaxed. Soobin hopes he looks just as calm. He isn’t, but he hopes.

“Hello!” He said confidently, sitting in front of the older.

Yeonjun jumped, startled. “Oh my god! You scared me” He laughed, Soobin laughed along with him, and just then he realized that the older’s hands and legs were shaking, unable to keep them still. _Maybe he’s also nervous. Maybe bravery isn’t about doing everything without feeling scared. Maybe it’s about pushing through that feeling._ He disregarded those thoughts rapidly; he didn’t come to the shop to ponder on human behavior. “Hi” Yeonjun managed to recompose himself last minute. Putting on a smile that looked rather anxious. Soobin didn’t think too much of it.

“What are these?” He pointed at the drinks that were in front of Yeonjun.

Yeonjun brightened up, thankful that he got a little bit of more time to accommodate his thoughts, “This is black coffee” He grabbed one drink getting it closer to himself, “and this is yours, it’s just hot chocolate with marshmallows melted down.” He smiled shyly at the younger, who gaped at him. Yeonjun had remembered Soobin’s go-to drink when they used to order from coffee shops.

He smiled, grabbing his drink “Thank you, Yeonjun-ssi.”

The older, involuntarily pouted “Don’t call me that” He asked.

Soobin looked blankly at him, “what else am I supposed to call you, then?”

Yeonjun moved around his sit, clearly, ashamed of what he had suggested, of course, Soobin wasn’t going to call him hyung yet if they didn’t feel mutually comfortable. “I’m sorry”. Soobin nodded, ready to let that topic go.

“So, when are you going to begin talking?” Soobin spoke, maybe a little bit more harshly than what he had intended, but enough small talk had been done. He needed to get this moment off of his chest.

Yeonjun corrected his posture. “Okay…” He accommodated his hands, so they were firmly closed together in front of him, “I’m not actually trying to justify anything I did… or said before to you or any of the boys” He clarified.

Soobin nodded, prodding him to continue “It’s okay.”

“Basically…” Yeonjun visibly took a couple of breaths before continuing, “after everything happened, I went to the United States, I lived in Santa Monica for around 6 years”, Soobin already knew this… why was Yeonjun telling him that. “When I was over there… I felt so free… I was by myself in a country that prides itself on its open mindedness… which isn’t that much true, but at least there are many things that are completely different from how they are like here in Korea.” Yeonjun laughed quietly.

Soobin wasn’t sure where this conversation was about to head to, “Beomgyu did mention you were at the States once, I hope you had a great time there” He briefly commented, not wanting to completely interrupt Yeonjun’s storytelling.

Yeonjun smiled, genuinely “I did… it wasn’t that easy, I did a lot of self-reflecting and self-discovering, I went to therapy… I went to some gay bars here and there, found myself reuniting with LGBT groups around the beach…” Yeonjun looked up at the ceiling, as if he were picturing every single moment he had lived as if it were a movie that was playing right in front of his eyes. Soobin thinks he looks beautiful. “And I realized just how wrong I was about everything… my views, my craft, the group… myself… you” Yeonjun’s voice was becoming harder to hear as he progressed saying every syllable.

Soobin got nearer, getting more comfortable in the table, in hopes that he’d be able to hear better. “What do you mean wrong?” He questioned.

Yeonjun laughed. Sadly. “I am so ashamed” He brushed his face with his hands frustratedly, “I was so stupid back then… struggling with self-love, with finding myself, fighting against everything I was taught to… in the States, when I told someone about what had happened between all of us, I was still full of rage, full of confusion, but mostly sadness, maybe frustration” Yeonjun rambled a little. Soobin understood, he had been there once too. The older turned to look at Soobin straight in the eyes “Do you know what they told me?”

“No” He replied because he truly did not know.

“They said ‘Hey… have you ever thought that it could be internalized homophobia?’…” He turned to look at his hands, playing with his fingers, “I was struck, to be honest. I didn’t know what to tell him, because then it’d mean I’m gay too and back then… I did not want that to be my truth.”

Soobin held his breath unconsciously… _is he really saying?_ But before Soobin could ask, Yeonjun spoke again “So that’s when I began reuniting with LGBT help groups and in between all that process I found myself also going to therapy.”

“I’m glad.” Soobin whispered… he really was glad that Yeonjun got himself help.

Yeonjun looked at Soobin’s eyes once again “I am gay, Soobin… and believe me, I’m sorry I acted the way I did; it makes me feel so ashamed of myself every time I remember it… I was so brainwashed.” He whispered in a tone he was sure only Soobin would hear.

“What do you mean?” He tentatively asked.

Yeonjun stayed quiet for a few seconds, gathering his thoughts, “During therapy I was able to uncover a memory my own mind had decidedly hidden from myself… maybe protecting me, I don’t really know, but when I was little…” Yeonjun breathed in. Soobin reached out, grabbing his hand, _It’s okay, I’m here_. Yeonjun smiled a little, “my mom was putting me to bed, it was right after a family reunion, and I asked her why my favorite aunt didn’t come to see me…” Yeonjun’s eyes began getting glossy, “and she just told me, my aunt wasn’t longer my aunt… my grandma had disowned her because she brought a girlfriend home… romantically, and she had later on killed herself.”

Soobin felt a huge knot forming itself in his throat, barely keeping his tears in, “Oh,” He whispered, “you don’t need to tell me.”

Yeonjun negated with his head, letting some tears fall down “I want to.”

“Okay”

“I guess, I just couldn’t move past it… nobody in my family ever mentions Saha… it’s almost as if she was never even born, I guess my subconscious feared that’d happen to me too” He smiled… Soobin didn’t like how that one smile looked on Yeonjun. Yeonjun was so beautiful, gorgeous, a smile filled with sadness didn’t sit right on his face. “And I just didn’t act the way I wanted… I even hurt Beomgyu in the process, because…” Yeonjun shut down for a second, “maybe he already told you, but we did fool around, and I was horrible to him too, but he’s my best friend… I can’t live without him… we sorted things out.”

“He did, he didn’t mention details, but he did say something about that.”

Yeonjun shrugged nonchalant “Figured… we talked a lot of things through, and he came to visit me in the U.S. and I even came to see him once in Korea… he helped me a lot during this time we were all apart, so I could finally come to terms with who I am and finally be able to love myself” He smiled, more genuine this time, “I did always struggle with that even when we were trainees.”

Soobin knew. Yeonjun did struggle a lot with his self-esteem, especially when people began calling him Big Hit’s Golden Trainee. Maybe the pressure got too much and perhaps he didn’t get to live for himself. His mother’s words resonated in his head. _Remember to live for yourself._ And Yeonjun wasn’t. Soobin sympathized.

Soobin squished Yeonjun’s hand. “Thanks for telling me.” He reassured the older.

Yeonjun nodded slowly, “Thanks for listening.”

“I know it’s hard, hyung –“ Yeonjun held his breath, Soobin had called him hyung “dealing with homophobia is horrible, and it’s even worse when your own enemy is yourself, still I was really hurt by what you did to me… to us” Soobin rapidly corrected himself, the damage was done collectively and there was no denying in that, “and it’s taken me 7 years to recover and it’ll probably still take me time, but I hope it’ll be easier since we’ve talked now and there will be no more what if’s in my mind.”

Yeonjun smiled. “I know… but I want to take this step by step… but I had to begin with apologizing, telling you a little bit more about myself, becoming vulnerable… that’s the least I owe you.”

“I’ll probably need time to think about this, though.”

“It’s okay” The older told him, “I can wait for your forgiveness however time it’s necessary, and I wanted to thank you for what you’ve done for the Asian LGBT community… I’ve followed your every step.”

Soobin’s eyes opened, surprised, perplexed, “You did!?”

“Yeah… you’re becoming a huge inspiration” He said sincerely, “maybe kids in the future will even read about you in their history books” Yeonjun joked, lightening up the mood a little.

Soobin laughed, another knot loosening on his chest, taking the grudge amulet he has been wearing on his chest for years off… maybe Soobin was ready to forgive and consequently to move on. Ready to love himself and everyone else around him more… grudges never leave anything good on someone’s heart after all.

* * *

News fly when your social group consists of the same 4 people it has always consisted of since you’re a teenager, Soobin has come to realize. Even after all these years apart now that they’re trying to reestablish their friendships, it was as easy as falling asleep to fall into routine again. Maybe it’s the familiarity or the coziness, or maybe it was de common understanding that they all have been through so much together or if Soobin wants to put it into a more romantic perspective, perhaps it is destiny, maybe it’s because they were always meant to be in each other’s life. Much like soulmates. Soobin has always been a firm believer of soulmates and thinks there are multiple types of them. So, he doesn’t disregard the idea, maybe the 5 of them were soulmates… or something similar to that. The universe has always worked in mysterious but beautiful ways, that despite the pain, you can’t run from experiences if they’re meant to come to you. Soobin has long stopped fighting destiny. This is probably it.

Therefore, when Taehyun and Hueningkai text him asking him how his talk with Yeonjun went, he just laughs and tell them he’ll call them.

“Hello?” Hueningkai answers first along with Taehyun’s small ‘hi’ in the background. Soobin smiled, those two seem to be attached to the hip.

Soobin accommodates himself on his bed, getting comfortable to talk “Hello~” He replies just as cheerful.

“Uh… you sound happy, hyung” Taehyun teases. Soobin can almost picture the smile the younger had on his face.

Soobin inevitably laughs. “I am, Tyun, I really feel so light and happy right now… I don’t think I’ve felt this way in a way in a while” He sighs, laying down. _My duvet is so soft… like clouds, things are soft._

Hueningkai and Taehyun laugh from the other side of the line “Hyung… does your change of humor have anything to do with the fact that you spoke to Yeonjun hyung recently?” Taehyun asks again seriously with a slight joking undertone.

And Soobin hadn’t really thought about that possibility but now that he ponders on the thought, he realizes maybe that idea isn’t that far off from the truth considering the conversation did lift a weight from his shoulders. “Probably so” He replies.

“What do you mean probably?” Hueningkai lets out a small laugh, the three of them were just in a really good mood, the group was slowly but surely solving the tension that surrounded them for almost a decade. What is there not to celebrate about that?

“I mean…” Soobin began shyly “I guess my conversation with hyung did make me feel more relaxed and freer, you were right Tyun, waiting for more minutes wasn’t worth it, choosing for yourself once in a while helps” He assures.

“Told you so.”

“Oh my god, you were waiting to say that to me, weren’t you?” Soobin rolled his eyes jokingly although the other two weren’t able to see him.

“Maybe I was.” Taehyun replies happily, pleased.

“Enough of that, how did the conversation go?” Hueningkai interrupted.

Soobin got a little more serious, even if the conversation had gone well, he wasn’t going to deny that the talk had been nerve wrecking and really meaningful, filled with confessions from the older. He wasn’t sure how much of it he could share. “It was good” He began.

“Hyung…” Hyuka complained, “you need to elaborate more than that please”.

Soobin laughed, Hueningkai always managed to make him feel better, “I was about to, but you interrupted me” He tells him playful. “Anyways, I think it was good that he didn’t actually try to justify himself, he told me how he realized that what he did was wrong and how ashamed he was of himself” Soobin sat back down on his bed, reaching for the glass of water that had been on his nightstand and took a sip, “he also deeply apologized, came out…”

“Did he?” Taehyun interrupted, Soobin laughed, clearly Taehyun knew more that he let on, but he didn’t pry, in the end Soobin wouldn’t have wanted that conversation to go another way, in the end it was an issue they had to solve with each other.

“He did” Soobin smiled and continued, “he also told me why he was so scared back then, and that now he feels so much better with himself” He stops, “Oh! He also mentioned how he has been following my work from afar.” He remembered, somehow that fact meant a lot to him.

“So, I take it the talk went better than expected” Hueningkai says.

“It did.”

“But hyung” Taehyun butts in, rapidly, slightly startling Soobin.

“What?”

“Are you planning to see each other again… or was that it?” The younger questions, igniting a new kind of fire inside of Soobin he didn’t quite know how to explain or name it.

“I don’t know” Soobin tells them as a matter of fact, “like, I’m glad we talked this through but am I ready to keep seeing him? To talk to him? To set myself on a golden plate so I can be hurt again?”

“Hyung…” Hueningkai interrupts his rambling, stopping his thoughts from running any faster, “I don’t want to be that person, but first of all… every time you meet any person and keep a relationship with them, let it be just acquaintances, friends or boyfriends you’re always opening up the possibility of them being able to hurt you.” He says firmly, Soobin winces. “Secondly, maybe the talk didn’t fully work? If he wants to keep seeing you… maybe say yes. Let him show you the new him, meet this new and renovated Yeonjun. You never know.”

Soobin nods, mostly to himself, taking those words in because even if he was rightfully scared, he needed to let the older show him if he had truly regretted everything he had done and who he was now. “Maybe you’re right.”

“Of course I am.”

“You mostly never are right” Soobin hears Taehyun whisper in the background followed by some giggles, making him laugh along.

“I’ll think about it.”

“Of course, hyung. Don’t stress too much, just do what your heart and gut tell you to do. What feels right” Taehyun says. Soobin smiles, he can’t believe just how thankful he is to have those two in his life.

* * *

_“Hi Soobin, :D”_

Soobin ignores the text for the hundredth time that week. Turns out, Yeonjun did, in fact, want to keep seeing Soobin and kept trying to contact him for weeks and truly, even if the words Hueningkai had told him the other day made complete sense and his unconscious had began sounding slightly like the youngers voice. _Maybe give him a chance?_ Yeah… Soobin wasn’t sure if he could go that far. He already gave him an opportunity to explain himself, but to give him one where he could actually enter his life again? He felt weary… even if he did want to have the older in his life again, he’s not sure if some scars ever stop healing.

_“Hello hyung, I’m sorry for the belated reply, I’ve been busy with the podcast and all that, you know how it is.”_

Nevertheless, he finds himself replying reluctantly. _Anxiety calm the fuck down; you don’t want to go back to the time where you rejected good opportunities just because you were sad._ And truly, Soobin didn’t want those days and feelings back. His days as an anxious teen were gone.

_“Oh… I’m sorry if my continuous texts were distracting._

_I was just wondering if you wanted to go out?_

_Maybe a karaoke?”_

Soobin’s heart makes itself little, maybe if his heart shrinks it won’t be able to hold so much love and endearment for someone it wasn’t supposed to. Things never go his way, Soobin already knew that, and he did always love karaoke.

_“Don’t worry about it!_

_Sounds cool :D when?”_

_“Are you busy right now?”_

And that’s how he found himself belting out the lyrics to Hyuna’s Roll Deep at the top of his lungs while simultaneously doing what he remembered of the choreography along with Yeonjun who found himself doing the chorus and Ilhoon’s rap. To say Soobin wasn’t having the most fun he’s had in the last years it would be a blatant lie. When the last chorus came, Soobin’s voice broke in the middle, making Yeonjun fall into laughter, which soon Soobin joined.

“Oh my god” Yeonjun said as he began calming his down, “you were really feeling that song.”

Soobin flipped his nonexistent long hair, “Of course I was, in another life I was Hyuna, please believe me.”

“Of course you were” Yeonjun answered, his eyes shining. Soobin felt awestruck. _Galaxies still live in Yeonjun’s eyes. How?_ His own mind asked him, he internally laughed, remembering his own 15-year-old thoughts. Soobin blushed.

Soobin pushed the mic into the older’s hands “Now you choose a song.”

“How about we do Eminem’s love the way you lie?” He suggested.

Soobin let out a small laugh, barely noticeable, “God, you always told me you wanted to cover this with me when we were trainees.”

Yeonjun turned to him starring him straight in the eyes “Exactly, I still do, let’s fulfill that wish list.”

“We never made a wish list.”

“Your point?”

Soobin smiled, fully, dimples out. “Bring it on, hyung”.

Maybe giving this a chance wasn’t that bad after all. Maybe this is worth it. He remembers to give his heart a break. _This is good. We’re happy._

* * *

“Hyung, want to go eat out tomorrow? My treat” Beomgyu speaks, the three of them had decided to crash Soobin’s place unannounced and even if he at first felt slightly annoyed, he was also thankful that that familiarity and comfortable feeling was becoming even more palpable and real to the point they felt Soobin’s home as theirs.

“I can’t” He denied, making Taehyun, Hueningkai and Beomgyu gasp collectively.

Hyuka stood up, placing his hand on Soobin’s forehead. “You’re not burning up! Are you okay?” He asked.

Soobin laughed, shrugging Kai’s hand off “I am, oh my god, what is this fuss?”

“You never reject free food and hyung… Beomgyu is… offering” Taehyun talked, emphasizing the last word, understandably so, since Beomgyu rarely offered to pay for them, claiming we were all old enough to fend for our own expenses.

Soobin pushed his hair back, making himself comfortable again on his own couch “I know, but I have plans, alright?”

“Oh…” Beomgyu spoke with that glint in his eye that Soobin had never forgotten that meant trouble, “you’re going out with Yeonjun, aren’t you?” He teased.

Soobin vehemently grabbed a chip throwing it at Beomgyu “Shut up!”

“I didn’t even say anything.” Beomgyu said raising his hands up as if he was being blamed for a crime he hadn’t committed.

Soobin rolled his eyes. “He really didn’t, hyung” Taehyun spoke. _Oh my god, betrayal, Taehyun is taking Beomgyu’s side._ “You’ve been going out with Yeonjun for almost a month now.”

The eldest’s mouth opened involuntarily “Has it truly been that long?” He asked. Time really passes by in a speed of light when you actually feel happy. Content with how your life is going and where you’re headed to even if you’re not completely sure of what the outcome will be. Being comfortable with uncertainty takes time but a good mindset… and maybe good company, does the trick to walk you through the tough path.

“It truly has” Beomgyu mentioned, “and not like it matters, but personally I’m relieved… you and hyung look so happy lately.” Hueningkai and Taehyun hummed, agreeing with the statement. After a few seconds surrounded with silence “Has it meant anything to you?” Beomgyu shyly questioned, knowing what he was implying, scared maybe he’ll put Soobin off. The older knew his history with Yeonjun too.

Soobin sighed, laying down on the couch “I don’t know… maybe we’re still just friends” He lies. “Oh my god I didn’t even believe myself” He rubs his face, making the others laugh. “I think it does… I am just so scared; how does he feel? Have any of these outings been a date or is it just friendly?” In that moment, his phone pinged. “Speak of the devil and he shall appear.”

The three of them got closer to Soobin, trying to catch a glimpse from the older’s phone “He texted you?” Kai questions.

“He did” He answers opening the text. Only for the four of them to aw and laugh collectively.

“That’s so cute!!!” Beomgyu exclaimed, unable to hide his endearment.

“It truly is… maybe this is a signal, hyung” Taehyun sat back down in his place. “Maybe it’s the universe telling you not to overthink romance.”

Yeonjun had sent him a picture of a cat he had found on the street. The first photo was the cat by itself, and the second one was a pic of the cat and Yeonjun right next to it ‘ _Don’t we look alike?’_ He texted. Soobin would lie if he said his heart didn’t do a thing.

“He is so cute” Soobin whispered.

Beomgyu pushed his shoulder teasingly “You’re already so whipped… although you’ve always kind of have been.”

Soobin let his phone fall back on the table after replying, ‘ _You do! You’re both cute’_ he was so embarrassed by the fact that he was actually flirting and that his skills were terrible. “Maybe I always have been…” He said, thoughtful.

“What’s stopping you?” Taehyun genuinely asked.

Soobin did actually know what was stopping him, “I think…” He starred at the three pairs of eyes and then turned his gaze onto his hands, he was ashamed of admitting this “I think that what’s stopping me is the memory of Yeonjun telling me I’m disgusting… and look” He intervened before they could tell him anything “I know he’s changed; I’ve seen it… but I just don’t think he would ever see me in that way, you know? He looks so unattainable. I am just… scared.” He admitted. More honest that what he would’ve probably liked to be. But these were his brothers, he could be vulnerable.

“Hyung” Beomgyu reached for his hand, “do you remember when we talked?” Soobin nodded, “This is what I meant… try it out. Ask him.”

“Maybe I will.”

* * *

Of course Soobin doesn’t ask Yeonjun anything.

They were sitting over ramen, Yeonjun’s favorite dish in the world, talking nonstop and no matter how bad Soobin wanted those words to come out, they just couldn’t. The got stuck in his throat last minute, almost preventing him from being able to breathe. Soobin blames it on not finding a proper time for it, even if he knows proper times don’t exist.

Yeonjun jumps, as if he had just remembered something, “Oh my god, what time is it?” He asks while pulling his phone out hurriedly. Soobin takes his chance and takes the older in. He looks so gorgeous even if he is just wearing a sleeveless white shirt and some black pants, half of his hair tied up. Soobin smiles longingly. “Damn it” Yeonjun says, looking at Soobin back sadly. “I have to meet with my dance crew… we’re doing a small show on Hongdae to remember those good old days.”

Soobin nods, inspecting Yeonjun’s face. He thinks he sees something on the older’s gaze that only appears when he looks at him. Soobin wonders hopefully, though he rapidly shrugs the thought away, he doesn’t want to get his hopes up. “Oh” he eloquently says.

Yeonjun reaches out to grab his wrist. Soobin barely wishes he had grabbed his hand instead. “Do you wanna come with…?” He suggests. Shyly. _Cute._

“You sure?”

“Yes… it’s been long since you’ve seen me dance, and you once mentioned you wanted to see me dance again.” Soobin did say that, one time when they had gone to a bar, he was already two shots away from spilling his deepest secrets to the older.

Soobin smiles. “Let’s go then.”

After paying for their food they began walking to Hongdae, comfortable silence surrounding them. Soobin is glad they got back to a point where silence was not weird anymore, it showcases the progress their relationship has made. And once again he finds himself thankful that Hueningkai and Taehyun had convinced him of giving Yeonjun another chance in his life. Slowly, Yeonjun got closer to the younger brushing his hand with Soobin’s. Contrary to the younger’s belief, Yeonjun was dying to feel Soobin’s hand on his own. Feel him close again.

Soobin looked at their hands. Close. Yet so far. “What songs are you going to dance to, hyung?”

Yeonjun smiled, almost teasingly “Wouldn’t you like to know?” He said making Soobin pout, “Oh god… stop that” he placed his hands on his chest, right on top of his heart, “you always make my heart melt. It’s a surprise, cutie pie” Yeonjun finally replied, booping Soobin’s nose.

In no time, they found themselves at Hongdae, right in the spot where Yeonjun was to meet his crew “I’ll be back, cutie.” Yeonjun reassured him. “Cheer for me”.

“Fighting!”

And true to his word, Soobin was surprised the moment the older began dancing along with his dance mates. Yeonjun had always had a natural feeling to his dance, it made him shine and don’t get Soobin wrong. Yeonjun always shines. But when the older is dancing… you can see just how the entire world stops existing for him, you can feel his excitement, you can practically touch the happiness that surrounds him, it makes you want to dance with him. In hopes that maybe, you’ll feel like that too. And he has, danced along Yeonjun, but he was always awestruck. Every single time. Yeonjun always had a way of surprising you, to make you look solely at him.

Around 30 minutes later they stop dancing. The crowd that formed around them can’t stop applauding. Soobin wonders if anyone in the crowd used to stan TXT back in the day. Sometimes he wishes their group weren’t just a short-lasting memory in everyone’s mind.

Yeonjun goes directly to him after bowing down, hugging him. Close. Tight. Soobin almost feels how the older finds the broken puzzle he hides near his heart, putting every single piece together back in seconds. Almost.

“You’re amazing, hyung.” He speaks, sincerely.

Yeonjun smiles, detaching himself from the younger slightly “Thank you… and for watching too.”

Soobin almost thinks Yeonjun likes him back from the way the older is looking at him. He inhales and exhales rapidly, disregarding those thoughts again. “Thank you for inviting me. You still got the dancing flame within you.”

There’s nothing more rewarding than seeing Yeonjun dance. Feeling himself, completely in his element. Soobin prays for the flame to never extinguish.

Not too long after, Soobin finds himself in an ice cream parlor with the older, seems like his love for ice cream never died down, if anything it got stronger, always being his go-to food whenever anything happened to him, let it be romantically, emotionally, if he received good news, if his siblings spoiled him his favorite anime… Soobin always had ice cream, and Yeonjun knows that. So, there they found themselves laughing at the eternal mint-chocolate ice cream debate.

Soobin stares at Yeonjun as he exaggeratedly takes a bite from his cone, and hums approvingly, showing Soobin that people can, in fact, enjoy the mixture of mint with chocolate. And to be honest, it’s been long since Soobin has hated on the flavor, somewhere along the way he actually grew quite fond of it, even if it is still not his favorite flavor… still he stands his ground, half because he enjoys teasing the older and half because Yeonjun always looks endearing when he defends things he likes.

“See? Soobin? Mint chocolate is superior!” Yeonjun affirms.

Soobin laughs endearingly “As if I believe you.” He faked indignation while having a taste of the flavor he asked for.

The other rolled his eyes. “You’ll never learn, I guess… maybe being tasteless is a personality trait” He suggests, “but anyway, what did you ask for?”

Soobin looks down at his ice cream “This is just Circus Animal Cookie flavored.”

The older gawked at him. “What kind of stupid flavor is that? Like… why would you name it that?” He said feigning exasperation, “And you call mint chocolate ridiculous!?”

“Hyung” Soobin whined, “it’s called Circus Animal Cookie because it’s literally made from cookies that are called like that, do you wanna have a taste?” He pushes the glass where they had served his to Yeonjun, getting it closer to him.

“Maybe I’ll forgive you because you’re cute!” He smiles, grabbing a small plastic spoon to grab a small portion from Soobin’s order.

As Yeonjun begins placing the spoon in his mouth, Soobin is hit with the urge to ask the older if anything they’ve done have actually been more than just friendly dates… but he stops himself, he had decidedly chosen not to ask him, if Soobin had to say anything it’ll come naturally, fate always has its way and also… maybe Soobin doesn’t want to be blatantly rejected for a second time by the older, even if the first time Yeonjun wasn’t even aware he had turned Soobin down.

So, he sits there, aware of his choice, staring at Yeonjun… taking the older in, absorbing his beauty as if it were the first time, he’s seen him, thankful that he’s said ‘yes’ to every adventure the older sets his mind on, and also that he is just as acceptant when Soobin suggests a place. Yeonjun is so amazing. Almost glorious.

Yeonjun hums. “This is actually pretty good, tasty” He recognizes the flavor the youngest had chosen “though, I still firmly believe that mint chocolate is superior… there’s just something pleasing in the way the chocolate blends in with the freshness of the mint… unmatched, if you ask me.”

“Good thing is, I didn’t ask, did I?” The younger jokes.

Yeonjun laughs, letting himself be driven by the pure joy that someone feels when they’ve heard something gracious, Soobin almost believes he’s done the best stand up in history, “I’m so glad we’re here Soobin, I’m so thankful to you, truly.” He says, surprising Soobin… _what’s with this sudden sincerity?_

“Thank you, hyung.”

“But for real, I’m so lucky, to have you back, to be able to speak to you, to be back in your life. I love you, cutie” The older speaks, voice dripping with confidence.

Soobin felt like the entire world stopped. “You can’t just say that” He muttered before he was able to stop himself. He insulted himself internally; there had been so many times in which he had wanted to speak, and words were never able to come out. But now that he wanted to stay shut, his body betrayed him. But he did say fate has its way… he just didn’t know destiny would have its way right at this moment.

Yeonjun looked at him confusedly, cocking his head to the side “What do you mean?” He asked. Soobin almost laughed, not believing just how genuinely confused the other sounded. “Why not?”

Soobin involuntarily felt tears picking his eyes. “Do you know how sensible that topic is?” He inquired.

“No” The older replied. He sounded indignant, as if Soobin had wronged him “is it disgusting to hear that I love you?” The older starred directly at the youngest’s eyes, making sure Soobin didn’t miss any second of the conversation that was taking place. Soobin couldn’t afford getting distracted, “is it the worst thing you’ve ever heard?” Yeonjun huffed.

“It’s just that you’re just saying that” Soobin calmly replied, recomposing himself “you don’t mean it in that way.”

Something crossed Yeonjun’s face, realization dawning on him “Oh…” He sounded more interested “In what way do you want me to mean it, then?”

Soobin rapidly realized the mistake he had done. Throat closing up, his eyes wandered all around the place, avoiding the other’s gaze… maybe it was due to his nervousness, maybe just his instincts identified he’s in danger and it’s looking for a way to get out. Soobin is only human after all. Maybe the flame in his chest is setting itself on fire, making him burn… not passionately, but anxiously. Soobin guesses those are the two true sides of a coin when talking about fire.

“Nothing” He managed to choke out.

Yeonjun reached out, finally taking Soobin’s hand between his own. Soobin felt as if someone poured water in his chest, soothing the fire and simultaneously the smoke that was filling his lungs rendering him unable to breathe. It’s been such a long time since he wished for Yeonjun to hold him… anywhere, his hand… close. Soobin didn’t know. He almost forgot about the situation he was in. “Tell me, Binnie” Yeonjun caressed Soobin’s hand... comfortably. Soobin almost cried.

“It’s just…” Soobin was thinking on whether to let Yeonjun know or not about his true thoughts. His true intentions and beliefs. He makes his decision a second after. “Listen… after everything that happened, I was so bummed and sad, but mostly scared that you were going to become a stranger whose laugh that I would recognize anywhere and trust me… you became that laugh” Soobin glanced rapidly at Yeonjun, taking in his reaction. The older’s face remained unreadable. “And when we began talking again… I was so scared that maybe your laugh would become my favorite sound in the world… again” He spoke whispering the last part.

“Oh…” The older whispered.

Soobin pretended that he hadn’t heard the older yet “And I just promised myself that if I were to give you another chance to be in my life again, those feelings weren’t going to arise… I guess some promises are meant to be broken” Yeonjun was still holding his hand, Soobin looked at it longingly. Wishing. Hoping. Letting out a small laugh, “and I know you’re a natural flirter, so I tried so hard not to overthink anything… but you just make it so hard, telling me those things, it’s so hard to put my hopes down.” He sighed, inhaling deeply again, as if air was bravery itself “And to answer your question, hearing you love me is not the worst thing I’ve ever heard... what it is the worst thing I’ve heard is knowing that I want it to mean more that I can ask you for.”

Yeonjun nodded slowly, taking everything the younger had laid out in front of him in, he squished Soobin’s hand in the process “And what if…. What if I am saying it in the way you want me to?” He questioned, licking his lips nervously.

Soobin looked up abruptly. “You don’t mean that… you don’t have to lie to me.”

“I’m not lying to you.” The older assured. “I think I’ve felt this way for a long time… I just didn’t feel deserving of you.” He looked down ashamed. “And I understand that it’s your decision to choose what you deserve and what you don’t, but I was scared to bring it up.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah…”

“Love you too.” Soobin replied, “I guess I want to try this but slowly, not rush into anything, is that okay?”

Yeonjun smiled, “Of course it is, in the end, you’re like daylight.”

Soobin for once believes in his gut and follows his heart. Maybe some decisions are his to make… even if he doesn’t think they are. Words are powerful and knowing how to use them and when to use them is where the trick happens. And he’s aware they both know that… let’s hope for this time to be worth it. _No,_ Soobin corrects himself. _We’ll make this worth it._

* * *

_“When are you arriving?”_

_“I’m almost there!”_

A few weeks after everything happened, the five of them agreed on going to a weekend trip to Busan, just to remember old times sake... happy that they all felt comfortable around each other again.

Though, Yeonjun was, as always, running late.

“Where is he?” Taehyun asked.

“He says he’s almost here” Soobin tells him, checking his phone in case the older had sent him anything else.

Beomgyu was sitting comfortably on the drivers sit, “I am this close,” he showed his index finger and thumb almost touch, “to telling you to just hop on the van and driving off.”

“Beomgyu-hyung, Yeonjun worked late yesterday, he must really be close by now”. Hueningkai told him, calming him down. Beomgyu had practically organized this trip with occasional help from the others, so he was understandably stressed. He had rented a van and booked the cabin they were going to stay at.

Beomgyu sighed, “I know, I just want to arrive to Busan so I can finally rest… it’s been a while since I gave myself vacations” At least, they could all relate to that statement. Adult life is tiring.

In that moment, Yeonjun arrived, they decided to take off from Soobin’s place since it was the place, they all were used to reuniting on anyway “I’m here!” He screamed.

“Oh… bummer, we were just about to leave without you” Soobin grins, jokingly.

“Very funny, Soobin” He replies immediately hopping on the van, so they could leave. And finally, Beomgyu began driving.

After a few hours they arrived at the cabins Beomgyu had booked. “This place is awesome, hyung” Hueningkai said. And it actually was, it was big enough to the point where all of them could have their own room and their living room had a view to the ocean.

“Thank you” Beomgyu beamed at the praise, “it took a while to find this place.”

The five of them immediately found each other making themselves at home in the cabin, choosing their respective rooms, and settling on the living room to watch a movie.

“I can’t believe, we’re here in Busan, and instead of enjoying the beach or the city as normal people, we’re just sitting down in the living room watching Harry Potter” Beomgyu whispers audibly enough to all of them.

Yeonjun turns his head to the younger “Our powerful days are over, young one. One day you’re young, and the other you go to an entirely different city to just do the same exact thing you’d do at home… but in another city” He replies, making them laugh.

“What’s wrong with Harry Potter anyway?” Soobin adds on, “It’s almost ending” They decided to watch the best Harry Potter movie which is literally ‘The prisoner of Azkaban’. “I can’t believe Sirius gets canonly killed later on in the series” He whines sadly, Sirius is his favorite character after all.

Taehyun raises his hands again “Oh no, we’re not going to have Soobin mop around due to Sirius’ death… he’s not even killed in this movie” He stands up, signaling everyone else to follow him “We’re going out, it’s almost sunset time, let’s enjoy the beach.”

They all nod, both begrudgingly and excitedly. Beomgyu turns the TV off just as the credits begin to roll.

But even then, they don’t actually swim. They just walk far enough so they wouldn’t be that near to the cabin but also not that close to the sea. A middle point, a common ground. “Let’s sit here and enjoy the view” Soobin suggests.

“Okay” The four of them replied at the same time. And like that, the five of them lay down on the beach, staring at the immense sky and sea that extend to parameters they would never be able to reach. Calm reigning between them.

Maybe it sounds cliché but that was exactly what the five of them wanted… they all wanted to feel like they were the main characters of a coming of age, even if they were almost going to become 30 years old. Their youth long forgotten.

Nevertheless they’re firm believers that everyone deserves to remember who they are… the true version of themselves, and to some of us that moment is our teenage years and to others is our early 20s. Whatever the case, when they were just mere 15-year-olds, they always dreamed of this… to still be together when they reached 30, and maybe it didn’t work out the way they probably would’ve wanted… in the way they yearned and pictured… but fortunately the moment is here.

They were sitting on the sand, enjoying the breeze that caressed their frames… Soobin once again found himself wishing to become a bird again, but now for completely different reasons from the ones he thought of when he was younger, he wishes he could fly so maybe when he was high enough, he could let everyone in the world know how happy he is. He laughs internally, his gaze completely immersed in the sea, feeling sand running through his fingers.

“I’m glad we’re here” He mentions.

“Me too… I am truly blessed that we managed to get back together” Beomgyu adds on. Looking truly thankful. Soobin is glad the younger feels that way. He reaches and pats his shoulder bringing him closer. “Ah, hyung” Beomgyu laughs.

“I know that this didn’t happen in the way we all wished for… and believe me…” Yeonjun takes his time to look at everyone present in the eyes, letting them know this was for them too… specifically for them “I truly am sorry… I know it’s mostly my fault, but we’ve finally came to the beach, unsupervised, just as we talked during the trainee days”. He smiled, a slight frown found itself on Yeonjun’s face, maybe filled shame and longing.

Taehyun smiles. “Hyung, people make mistakes, some bigger than others but depending on the situation, we’ve all found ourselves making huge mistakes, but it’s okay… we forgive you, so… learn to forgive yourself too.” Soobin smiles, Taehyun truly has such an amazing way with words, he mouths to him ‘ _Thank you’._

Yeonjun’s eyes become glossy, some tears inadvertently falling down, “Taehyun… thank you so much… it’s just” The older looks up at the sky, filled with stars, magic surrounding them, the magic hour had started. “It’s so tough… but I’ll get there, I guess I’m just mainly thankful I have you guys in my life again.”

“Everything takes time” Hueningkai told him, “and we’ll be with you along this journey of forgiveness.”

“Thank you, thank you all… I promise from now on, you’ll only be able to see the best version of myself, that 22-year-old Yeonjun doesn’t exist no more” His voice sounded calm, almost like a joke… but they all knew.

Beomgyu reached to him, brushing Yeonjun’s hair out of his face “I’ve seen you improve the longest, and trust me… you have, that says enough about who you are as a person… just keep it up, you’ll get there, and you’ll find us right by your side.”

Yeonjun nodded, glancing back at Soobin, winking. Soobin laughed, he had only been looking at the scene in front of him as a mild spectator, they knew better. “Fighting, hyung” He told him.

“Fighting!” They all replied in unison, as the Sun continued to set right in front of their eyes, showcasing just another day ending.

The following day of their weekend long trip, Yeonjun decided that it’d be a magnificent idea to wake them all up with the sound of Pharrell’s Happy at full volume. Needless to say they all wanted to rip their ears off.

“Let’s wake up everyone” The oldest of them all, spoke as he opened the door of all the rooms of the cabin they were staying at.

“Hyung! Turn that fucking thing off before I throw your speaker to the ocean” Taehyun screamed from his own room. Soobin could really relate to that feeling, he truly doesn’t think there’s a sane person that actually, wholeheartedly feels happy while listening to that song. Life is full of ironies in the end.

He hears Yeonjun gasp dramatically from wherever he was at right now, “You wouldn’t do that to Beth.” He screamed back.

“Oh my god, you named your speaker?” Beomgyu said, loud enough for Soobin to hear him. _Damn if Beomgyu is up, then I should be too._ He thinks. Beomgyu had always been the one to stand up last when they all roomed together. He wonders if the younger is still like that as Soobin finishes putting his sandals on. In the end, they were in the beach he didn’t need to put that much effort on his outfit.

Soobin immediately got himself to the kitchen, pouring himself a glass of water “I just want to know why, from all the songs in the world would you choose that one?” He asks. Yeonjun just winks at him, Soobin rolls his eyes, hiding the fond smile that he wasn’t able to avoid from appearing on his face.

“One question at a time folks” Yeonjun tells them, as if he was doing a show “yes, I do name my speakers” He replies to Beomgyu, and then turned to Soobin “I chose it because it’d irk all of you so much, that you’d stand up just to turn it off yourselves… and look! It worked” He said, proud of his impeccable plan.

“I can’t believe it worked” Hueningkai mumbled, rubbing his eyes, finding himself a sit, Taehyun following closely.

“What are the plans for today, anyway?” Beomgyu asked, munching on a sandwich he had prepared himself rapidly.

Yeonjun smiled, proud that that question had been asked, almost as if he had been expecting it ever since he woke up. Soobin realizes maybe he was “Why don’t we go water skiing?” He offered.

Everyone’s eyes lit up, “Oh my god” Hueningkai and Beomgyu exclaimed at the same time “I’m so in” The youngest finalized.

“Me too!” Taehyun said excitedly, all of them standing up to go gather the stuff they’d need for the day.

Nevertheless, Soobin stayed sit. Even if he already knew how to float, it doesn’t mean that he’s fond of activities that have anything to do with swimming or that would probably make him swim. Yeonjun knew this, so the moment they were all away, he got close to the younger, hugging him and holding him close to his chest. Soobin’s head resting where the eldest’s heart lays. “It’s going to be okay, Binnie, I’m always going to be with you, okay?” He reassures him, patting his head. Whispering “I’ll be there.”

It’s almost embarrassing how quickly Soobin calms down at that.

So, that’s how Soobin finds himself in the shore, along with the other four about to go water skiing, he moves slightly so he can be closer to Yeonjun, so he can comfortably brush his hand in case needed.

There was a man in front of them explaining how everything works and giving them the proper swimwear they would need for this activity; they rapidly changed and came back.

“Any questions?” The instructor asked.

“Yes! Is there any possibility in which two of us can go at the same time?” Yeonjun questioned. Soobin involuntarily blushed, knowing the older was referring to him.

The instructor smiled at them “I almost forgot about that, and yes, that possibility exists, do any of you want to go in pairs?” He scanned them, almost as if he were trying to guess who they could be.

“Yeah, Soobin and I” Yeonjun replied, so fast he barely gave the instructor time to try to guess. Hueningkai, Taehyun and Beomgyu looked at the two of them weirdly, they all knew how much all of them loved adrenaline, but they also knew about Soobin’s fear to water.

“Oh my god” Hueningkai whispered, “it’s almost as if the two of you are actually dating.” He said just as the instructor was leaving to grab some of the required equipment they were going to need.

“So true, Hyuka, like…” Taehyun joined the teasing and examined them, “look at them! Attached to the hip and heart eyes for each other at all times.”

Yeonjun and Soobin blushed, ducking their heads down in hopes of hiding the obvious pink tint that illuminated both of their faces. “So it’s true!?” Beomgyu practically screamed, “you both are really dating” He said, making Hueningkai and Taehyun turn around to look at them closely.

Yeonjun laughed uncomfortably “What are you talking about?” He said, rubbing his nape, Soobin followed through. They had agreed that since they were going to take this slow, they didn’t want to tell the others yet, since they still weren’t sure if their relationship was going to escalate to actual boyfriends. But maybe, they should’ve known that they’re both open books to the three youngest.

“You and Soobin are clearly dating, aren’t you?” Taehyun asked. Seriously, not fooling around.

Soobin took the first step this once. “And what if we are?” He answers bravely, jokingly… but brave, making sure his tone sounds serious enough.

“For real?”

“Y’all better not be lying.”

“Yes! finally.”

Those statements are the ones that immediately followed the older’s confession. “It’s real” Yeonjun informed them. Proudly. “But we’re only dating… we’re not boyfriends yet.”

Soobin smiled, getting close to Yeonjun, grabbing his hand, interlocking their fingers. He said he wanted to go slow because he wanted to figure their relationship out, but now… as the instructor arrives and gives each of them the life vest, they had to wear, about to embark on an activity that he wouldn’t ever normally do, just because Yeonjun told him that he was going to be by his side… Soobin realizes that they still have eternity to figure each other out again, let it be as acquaintances, as friends, partners in crime, best friends and even lovers.

But Soobin wholeheartedly wants to be with Yeonjun. They both had already made their choice… they were going to be together. Going against everything: together.

Soobin wouldn’t have it any other way. So bravely, he goes waterskiing. Yeonjun right by his side.

**Author's Note:**

> special thanks to my friend andrea <3 who supported me throughout this endeavor and read all my advances to give me feedback i love u  
> in case anyone cares my @ is jjunparis


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